Chapter V

 “Get out of here old man.”

“What’s up Tony.”

“Cmon what are you doing on this side of town?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know much. What the fuck has happened?”

“Not a clue.”

“You had better get a clue. Your daughter needs you and the rumor at school is that you are trying to fuck my sister.”

Then Alicia came out.

“You had better fuck me old man or I am going to cut it off.”

Tony just stares blank faced in the opposite direction and the boys keep shooting.

Alicia gets in the car.

“Got any candy for me you old pervert?”

“Not a cent.”

“Just how I like it. I am trying to lose weight so I don’t want my sugar daddies to have any sugar.”

My face goes blank the direction Tony’s face was.

“Anyways me and your daughter are not best friends anymore.”

“I am not her best friend anymore either.”

“Then I guess we are best friends now.”

“A man in my position..”

“Shut up and tell me I’m pretty.”

“What does it matter if my dick can’t get hard.”

“Your dick is hard.”

“Until it’s time to fuck.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Affection erection”

“So you are happy to see me?”

“To a point.”

“Just the tip?”

“Where do you learn to talk like this?”

“Every girl has her secrets.”

“Sounds like I am not one of them.”

“It does things for a girl to have Dads in her rumor mill. It means I am going places.”

“It means I am not going places.”

“Why would I want you to go anywhere Daddy?”

“Why do you want me?”

“Rookie question.”

“Because everything I worked my whole life for to give my family you are hoping will go to you?”

“You’ve already given it all to me. It’s just my turn to take it all from you.”

“I told you I don’t have a dollar. I don’t have a reputation. I don’t have a career. I don’t have a house.”

“You have a car. You have a job. You have all the capacity and ability that you always did. Society has just taken the keys from you. I am here to give them back so you can drive me everywhere and buy me everything.”

“I. DONT. HAVE. ANY. MONEY.”

“You have more money than the boys I know.”

“Why would I give you money?”

“Because I am your best friend. I make you happy. You are addicted to me.”

“I am not addicted to you. You are a high school girl.”

“Then why did you come back for a second chance?”

“Because I am a professional sucker.”

“Then suck my balls before you suck my cock.”

My face goes blank as it stares deep down into the distance, not able to comprehend that a sixteen year old child just made my mind orgasm with a homosexual reference.

“Where do you get off?”

I ask Alicia this not knowing if she will understand what I mean.

“What do you mean? I am confused.”

I have heard this term before. Whenever a woman tells me that she is confused it is my sign that she is over my bullshit. It happened with my wife, my ex wife, my daughter and now my daughters new ex best friend.

“I meant when do you get out?”

“Oh I am getting out now. Do you really think that I would let you touch me again you broke fuck? Burn in hell!”

She got out and slammed the door.

Tony looked at me through the glass door of the car with a blank stare that I returned.

“Hey Tony. What’s up?

Johnny I got here as fast as I could.

No kidding? What’s the sweat?

My sister Alicia HAS been talking to Larissa’s Dad.

Ok. What’s the big deal?

He tried to lay her.

Still not the end of the world.

He couldn’t get it up.

Then pay the broad off.

He won’t give her any money.

Oh man Larissa’s Dad is beyond suicidal.

Alonzo is out of it.

Is that the guys name?

Yeah he is beat.

He is a goner.

This could start world war three.

You are right.

We have to do something.

We do.

What can be done?

First we need to flip the script.

We need a plan.

So one of us needs to lay a broad fast.

The other one of us needs to marry one.

You can’t lay your own sister.

She is poor Johnny and you don’t want her.

You are right but she needs a lay.

Larissa needs a committed relationship.

I am going to lay your sister.

I am going to take Larissa out but I’m broke.

I have got money for that.

How long are you going to finance our relationship?

Probably through the rest of high school.

Do you think my sister will be satisfied with one night?

Absolutely not.

Then Johnny you have three kids now.

No. I have four.

How do you figure four?

Tony, Larissa, Alicia and Alonzo.

What do you mean Alonzo?

Alonzo is a player in this.

Alonzo is not playing.

Alonzo is playing badly.

What are you going to do with him?

First get him a better job then hauling trash.

Then get him a woman?

Then I will have five children.

You had better go see my sister now.

Is she at your place?

Yeah. Fucking balling her eyes out.

Ok. Here is $500. Take Larissa to the mall.

Just like that? 

Just like that.

How do I repay you?

Just don’t break Larissa’s heart.

What about my sisters heart?

Does she have a heart?

Yes she has a heart. It’s her soul that’s missing.

You would know you ginger bastard.

Haha. Thanks Johnny. I owe you one.

I think laying your sister makes us even.

No. Now I owe you two.”

So let me get this straight —

Johnny ——

You were trying to help me 

So you fucked Tony’s sister

?

Johnny : yeah

Alonzo : how the fuck does you

Fucking somebody help me?

Johnny : well I thought

Alonzo : shut the fuck up

Because now you are a rapist

That is not my fault

Johnny : I didn’t rape her

Everyone knows I didn’t rape her

That’s why the judge threw out the case

Alonzo : you have zero clue as to why the judge threw out the case. Your brain is shot. You have no attention span. Everyone does not know that you didn’t rape her. Everyone knows that you did because she is going to be a mother and you don’t want to be a Dad.

Johnny : it’s not my fault

Alonzo : again. No attention span. It is your fault. 

Johnny : I don’t want to be a dad

Alonzo : you already said that. I just said that you said that. I don’t want to be a dad either. Something weird in this life about getting what you don’t want. If you don’t embrace it it will embrace you and then you don’t have any arms to swim.

Johnny : why the fuck would she keep a rape baby?

Alonzo : wow. I thought you said you didn’t rape her.

Johnny : I didn’t.

Alonzo : so why are you calling your baby a rape baby?

Johnny : because that’s what she told people.

Alonzo : she told people that for the same reason she kept the baby. She is trying to keep you. She has two things on you now to keep control over you. A rape allegation and a baby allegation.

Johnny : I don’t need either.

Alonzo : that’s your decision. These things have a way of creeping up on you though if you don’t do it right the first time. Believe me kid. Tony and Larissa getting married while still in high school is living proof of what shenanigans can and will happen without a father figure in the midst. What the hell do I know? I know now that I should have fought for her better. I know now that she needed me. I know now that anything I was doing instead of looking out for her was satans work. I also know now though that since I wasn’t there when she needed me that I had damned better stay out of her way now.

Johnny : bullshit. She still needs you. That’s just another excuse you are using for your sorry ass to be selfish and live in denial.

Alonzo : just repeat those words that you just said but put them in the context of your own situation.

Johnny : bullshit. She still needs me. That’s just another excuse I am using for my sorry ass to be selfish and live in denial.

Alonzo : right.

Johnny : ok. I see your point. I don’t want Alicia to need me. I don’t want Alicia. I don’t want a child. I don’t want Alicia’s child.

Alonzo : your child.

Johnny : I don’t want my child.

Alonzo : right.

Love is to high of an art form for me

Trying to love without anything in my heart

If I were loved I would assume someone was trying to poison me it is so foreign

Like a first time dancer I stomp on your feet

Out of embarrassment I rip your blouse

In spite I smear your lipstick

Then I cry out that you aren’t my partner

That you had stolen me from my true one

I tell you to dance, to move to the rhythm

Then accuse you of acting seductively

I bluster about telling you where to put your feet when I do not own a pair of dancing shoes

Your look becomes contemptuous and I accuse you of unfaithfulness 

You cry and I tell you you are weak

I raise my fist and you flinch and I say that you have betrayed me

I’m aroused and i say it’s your fault for being a harlot

The worst of the lot is that I had come to like to see you cry

Out maneuvered by me again I see, to bad you couldn’t keep up, but all you wanted was to dance to a rhythm that you loved

Didn’t I tell you I do not know love?

Through the dark you see my eyes, bloodshot and wild yet once stalwart and true

Hands soft to the touch once are now worn

A happy tone in my voice now only used in inflection

A smile deranged and a body haggard only betraying a once spry spring

Beware or you could end up just like me

Looking at me like I am your friend and I return the recognition as though I was managing it

Hark or you could be just like me unable to love and forgetting to kneel

The King is here and he behests me to be beside myself and no longer come near

“Uncouth blasphemer do not speak of love”

“You have taken one of my favorite undefiled doves”

“In you she saw me for you are made in my image but you behaved like your father, darkly, a haunting visage”

At your behest oh King I take my leave.

From this court of love that I must no longer impede.

Literature VII

On compelling voices in male literature 

 I just can’t fucking get to this part about the American turn of the century where there were male intellectual voices in literature and now there just aren’t. They are literally extinct but you can go into this Time Machine and find Mark Twain ranting and Ulysses S Grant writing an autobiography and General William T Sherman’s autobiography. We can read books by Theodore Roosevelt about personal adventures. Thomas Jefferson’s writing on political philosophy. Henry Adams disappointment in the American experiment. The sophisticated class of Henry James. Henry Millers early erotic novels. 

Norman Mailer recognized. Charles Bukowski celebrated. Hunter S Thompson noticed. I have had the luck to be able to argue with intellectuals about the reticence and relevance of Ernest Hemingway. An argument that I ran into which really stopped me flat as another persons well informed perspective always does is that Ernest Hemingway is this awful central station that no one can escape in the college literary world. Well man I am talking about not being in college and reading these guys. If our culture were just a shred bit more intellectual it would do wonders for the soul. Think about people reading Henry Miller for sexual inspiration instead of pornhub? Reading Hemingway’s canon instead of watching all the fast and furious movies on repeat.

That’s just me though. Maybe a person can’t be inspired to be rich and have a great body and read intellectual material. Maybe this just makes a man into a mouse and all this sports center and porn and gym memberships and alcohol makes a man into a lion.

In order to be a relevant male writer I would need first to make men’s writing relevant.

Of course men still dominate New York Times best seller ..

Who are these men?

Tom Clancy, Bourne novels, Bill Oreilly, Stephen King.

It’s no good.

Boo-hoo.

Rock and roll is the same way.

Why would I make a rock and roll song when the rock and roll scene for men is dead?

Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Led Zepelin, Guns and Roses.

Too bad. 

White male cis creativity has just suffered too many abortions and sacrifices to the great big nothing to suffer on.

In all reality all I would have to do is publish and it is the majority of the brave man theory.

What is something that I could create that people would consume that wouldn’t put my life in danger?

Think of creating some of those Rolling Stones songs now?

Would women want to fuck or just kill?

Ok so maybe worrying about one’s life is cowardice. What could I publish that people would read? That is a problem of literacy. Not that people don’t read but they choose not to read because there is an algorithm that literally hand feeds the dopamine processing in the body. Why am i writing instead of hitting up my dopamine receptors? Moral imperative. Maybe publishing and people reading my things as a moral imperative however what I have been writing is filth. It’s only a step above the stuff that comes up on my feed. So it puts me in the spot light to be judged and yet there is no reward.

The only thing that makes me do anything is some kind of imperative from some sort of direction.

On therapy

That’s just it man all of the liberal progressive movement that the culture made for free speech and free sex and free expression and free anything else was all turned on it’s head by the same liberal progressive movement. Now we have less ability to say or act how we actually want then before the beats, the sexual revolution, rock and roll and everything else. I really believe that. All the liberal progressives are all hung up on going to therapy. Real nice young woman asked me if I had a therapist after I politely engaged her about a little bit of my life. That’s not hip. But that’s where we are now. Someone says they are enlightened and that’s why they don’t have to listen to what you have to say. Just take a word and make it out to mean whatever you want it to mean. I’m a liberal and he is a totalitarian. Well how is my mental health?

William S. Burroughs believed that the healthier a person was, the more the straight world wanted to believe you were sick. He called psychiatrists jerks. Like bully’s for people who don’t conform. Essentially it is mind control and the loss of the freedom of thought. Why do you think that you think that way? Here are some brain blasting drugs and a recommendation to never enter society again until we have you patched up good.

Many people end up seeing shrinks because they get caught up with street drug problems and then the doctors go and prescribe them an even heavier dose of something way more wicked than what they got off the street. If a person used the psychiatrists office as a way to get to that next level of craziness intentionally then that could be alright but many times it’s just society’s way of putting someone under.

Psychiatrists will tell you not to engage certain types of people that will not help you succeed in their program. Who is to say that these bad influences or losing characters are just the types that you should be making contact with to be human? I don’t want the details of my life to be in some psychiatrists file. I would like to keep those details as a secret for myself in my own files. 

Thank you.

On CS Lewis book Abolition of Man

CS Lewis argument is that the heart is not merely an organ or a reference to sell hallmark cards. His argument is that virtue is necessary and that the only way to develop virtue is through the training of the emotions. He insists that a student must have his will informed by values. The new education does not recognize values and therefore does not reform the student but may simply institutionalize students. 

The character in Clockwork Orange is not reformed, just reassembled. The education he receives does not train his emotions to be in accordance with nature and good spirit but rather informs his intellect of virtues for the sake of theory. So that his corrupted heart, bad spirit and greedy mind is then channeled into piety for self-righteousness rather than humanity.

CS Lewis declares that the problem in modern times is that we have people who are not taught to think and only to feel or people who are taught to think and not taught to feel and the solution is the old education of teaching people to think and to feel with virtue according to value. 

Objective value may be held by all intelligent fundamentalist philosophical believers of reason. The rarity of this type of individual is staggering in the public arena. To add to that individual who believes in objective value the sensibility of reasonable emotions is rarer yet but this is precisely what CS Lewis seems to mean by an education.

One has to be convinced of absolute virtues and first principles and truth generally. These are concepts that are no longer universal. The big threat that CS Lewis warns us of is a world where our understanding of our lives is shaped by the selfish emotional desires of our controllers. This premise is inexplicable to our time because most people really do think that they are completely free and there is no boogeyman.

CS Lewis would probably explain our times as people so conditioned to be controlled that they think it is freedom. 

Maybe man has already been abolished.