Courage in that moment of fear
Fortitude in that moment of doubt
Peace in that moment of rage
Activity in the moment of torpor
Action in the moment of need
Mercy in that moment of wrath
Domination in that moment of submission
Healing in the moment of injury
Light in the time of darkness
Fulfillment in the time of want
Seizure in the time of desire
Stability in the time of flight
Regeneration in the time of dystrophy
Gentleness in the time of abandon
Jimminy Crickets. Stupid cunt. Go blasting off into the woods butt naked. “Hey ya little cunty cunt. Come out, come out wherever you are.” Bloody hell. Fucking shiver me Timbers. Tracks. You old geezer wandering around in the woods following foot prints. I have got to let her go. Running off in the dark. Bloody malarkey this is. A horror show. What’s that? Ravens. Hmph. Where could she have even gone all the way out here. Also, where would she go? There is nothing out here. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What if someone finds her. Or something? What if someone finds me looking for her? No one knows who she is. No one knows who I am. Where am I? Tracks. Wow. I might find her after all. What a stubborn one. Coming up out of the water like that. Alive. Bless me. How does it all work? Was that a miracle or is she possessed?
A rustle in the bush. A woman unclothed. In a patch of matted down grass like a sleeping fawn. All aglow and all alone. Fine as can be. I walk up to her and look her in the eyes.
You told me to meet you here?
Yes.
Did you like it?
Yes.
I didn’t like it.
Ok.
I mean I did but I didn’t.
Sure.
Can we not do it like that again?
Yes.
Why did you think that would be fun?
I don’t know.
Ok. Well I don’t know what you are going to do with that teenager you have been keeping as your daughter.
Our daughter.
Oh yes our daughter that you have been having an affair with.
Not an affair darling.
You mean you haven’t slept with her?
No. She is our daughter.
If you haven’t slept with her then who have you been sleeping with?
No one.
Isn’t that the truth you never even fucked me.
Of course I have fucked you. You are my spouse.
I am?
Yes. I am your partner.
You are my lover but you have not fucked me.
No I am not your lover and I have not fucked you and that teenager is not our daughter but your sister that you keep bringing around here with you when I am trying to sleep at night.
You haven’t fucked my sister either?
No!
Who are you and what do you want?
I am a person who sleeps in a dumpster.
Why?
I’m the detective assigned to your murder and the rape and murder of your daughter.
I wish it was all that simple. I’ll just drink more whiskey and do more coke. Shit doesn’t even phase me. Go to the strip club. What a joke. Fuck it. I’m all I have left. Better get some sleep tonight. My daughters best friend came around and tried to fuck me but I couldn’t get it up. My wife is fucking another man at the office. The force thinks I raped and attempted the murder of the man’s wife because she told them that I did. The man won’t let the deal go down though because he doesn’t want the press. I’m a garbage collector now. I eat stuff that I found out of the garbage. My daughters mom won’t let me see my daughter because of the school board and the heat from the states capitol for involving my daughter in the rescue of the man’s wife from the river. My daughter won’t ever talk to me again after her friend tells her that we fucked because her friend is mad that I was limp. I can’t afford hookers and I haven’t even had any friends outside of work since I joined the force. The creep. Strippers and bartenders are the only women I can talk to. Bar flys lost their fun with the bad vibes that are attached to me. Living in my studio in the worst neighborhood in town. Jerking off to porn nightly.
I feel like beating up a homeless person so I decide to go for the next one I see. I check my rear view mirror to see if there is anyone behind me before I drive off and I see my face in the reflection of the mirror. I see an old rugged leather faced man. Burdened by the world. Grey hairs in his beard and mustache. Fearful, disgusted, finished. Take it out on the next bum I see huh? Well maybe I could get a hard on if I raped her. Easy there cowboy. I’m not really a bad guy. Just down on my cards. The fucked up thing is that on the inside and the exterior I feel as though I am doing better than ever or at least the same as I have ever done. It’s everybody else that is shitting on me. Or maybe they were always shitting on me and now they aren’t shitting on me. There is a sliver lining to this. My daughter doesn’t see me fight with her mom or my wife anymore. Why am I still calling her my wife? Probably because somewhere in my head I am Sir Lance A Lot that will save my wife from her affair as soon as I pull my head out of my ass and win back the approval of my daughters mother so that I can be a strong protector of my child. Then my child and her best friend can go to college together while I stay at home and take care of the pets.
She is going off to college.
She will be fine.
I did my job I guess.
I helped raise a young woman with her mother and then her step-mom and now she is gone.
Give myself a pat on the back.
Hell I might even celebrate with a cigar.
My wife hasn’t divorced me.
The force did not fire me.
There is no restraining order between me and anyone.
I didn’t fuck my daughters ex best friend.
Really everything is the same.
Just no one shitting on me.
I miss the shit.
I am not even losing any money.
I haven’t lost anyone.
Just no shit.
No shit for the shit eater.
What do normal people eat?
Gone dancing.
Take my benefits away. Take my stipend. Take my pay. Take my daughter. Take my reputation. Take my wife. Take my family. Take my home. Take my job. Take me home. Sail away, sail away, sail away country roads. Touching me, touching you sweet Jane. What does it matter to you when you’ve got a job to do you’ve really got me now. Wild thing you make my heart sing. Born to be wild. The boys are back in town they are hanging out at Dino’s.
“Bang. I have got it baby. Time to light up the dance floor. Ooh. Yah. That’s it. I’m hott. 1000 degrees. Burning up. Don’t touch me I’m on fire. I’ve got the Midas touch. I’ll turn you to gold. Gold finger. Snorkel down. Jean Cousteau. Robot up. Futurama. Back to the future now. Doing the wave. Or is the worm. A worm is in the wave. Oh yeah. Dangerously cheesy. Chester the Cheetah. Rocky Stallone. Prize fighter. Cinderella man. Are you not entertained? Stop. Hammer time. I’m twice as nice. If I wanted to get to you honey. You would never see me coming. We all know money burns.
And on and on and on …
Alonzo has found a zoomba class.
He is on his way back to civilization.
What the fuck?
Thought this was some kind of feminist movement that was mounting against me.
Wife probably cheating on me because she is always at work. Can’t see my daughter because I am a bad influence. Turns out there was a man behind the scenes pulling the levers the whole time. The detective creep from the crime scene didn’t like that his observations came up bogus started working into my life so I couldn’t have any credibility. Little schmuck. Found him in an alley way taking a piss outside of a bar and stuck him. Left him in the dumpster. Who would miss a piece of scum like that?
“Alonzo.”
“What?”
“The question.”
“What does a rat remind me of?
A rat reminds me of a rat.
Objectively a rat is a rat.
But this rat did something to me.
“This rat did something to you?”
Alonzo takes the plastic rat and rips off its head with his teeth.
“Alonzo what the hell?”
“Next question.”
“Alonzo you know that if you fail this psychological exam you lose your benefits and stipend. Please cooperate.”
“Alonzo what does this remind you of.”
“This reminds me of a stripper with busty breasts, thighs and ass.”
“And this.”
“This is a big tall great glass of booze.”
“Alonzo how do these pictures make you feel?”
“Broke. Bored. Lost.”
“This picture.”
“This picture reminds of a man with multiple stab wounds left for dead in the middle of the street.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Extinct. Left out. Forgotten.”
“One more picture.”
“This is a woman’s face beaten to a pulp.”
“It makes me feel acknowledged, cared about and whole.”
Hi Johnny
Hi Alicia
Why are you here?
I want you.
You want me how?
I want you now.
Im sorry. Im busy.
I know you are busy with me.
No actually I was just.
You were just getting busy with me.
Hi Larissa this is Alex.
Hi Alex.
What are you doing?
Getting ready to go to the mall with Tony.
Don’t. Something is up.
What’s the matter Alex?
Johnny just raped Alicia.
Johnny would never.
Are you saying I am a liar.
Yes. Alicia has had a crush on Johnny since she was born. Every girl has.
She just called me and told me not to tell you that Johnny just raped her.
Oh.
Larissa, Alicia also had sex with your Dad.
Did he rape her?
No.
Why did you tell me not to go to the mall with Tony?
Because I am sure he is part of what is going on and you need to stay away from all of this drama.
Tony is my friend.
No. I am your friend and I am telling you to not go.
I am going to the mall with Tony.
You don’t care that Alicia just got raped and your Dad had sex with your best friend.
I am going to the mall with Tony, Alex.
Goodbye.
Johnny gives me 500 dollars and tells me to take Larissa out to the mall. I call Larissa and she says yes. I am now speeding down the interstate doing 100. Everything is going well and there has to be something bad about to happen but I don’t care. Everything is perfect. She might call and cancel but she won’t because it’s a perfect day and I’m in love and I’ve got good friends and I am doing a good thing. Shit might get pulled over. Except I won’t because it’s all going my way this time. There is not any problems anymore. Only solutions.
Money.
Power.
Sex.
Women.
Drugs.
Cars.
Booze.
Nightlife.
Friends.
Building something good
It’s wanting success on the success
It’s wanting outside of my comfort zone success when I am already outside of my comfort zone success.
I am happy being unhappy
However I am tethered to this nerve and temper
I am turned on by RESPONSIBILITY —
Pissed off inside -
//happy.
