There is what?
Something about discipline —
Where I go, I know wanna.
So I have learned to deep dive into duplicity:
“A kind of way to be disciplined is to be undisciplined”.
In a way this works because I come back to discipline with vigour as before I was bored.
What is the problem?
The problem is that this is duplicitous.
So that if in one moment I am screwing a woman and in the next moment I stop —
This is liable to cause world wars.
It is a personal problem that I need to work out within myself.
The moment of giving into duplicity is the nerve of will that is to be made aware of.
“A man of letters in France until he abandoned the Muses, cast aside criticism, and threw away his pen to come to Africa, plucking out his ideals, and drowning his winged verses, odes, epics, and literary articles in the prosaic but lucrative bath of an import-export business. He had a wit, verve and skill in conversation that was truly French.”
I have found there is nothing more difficult than reading;
Exercise outside of work,
Especially lifting,
The to-do list,
Eating three meals a day,
Making plans with friends,
Initiating conversations,
Checking in with family,
Doing any kind of spiritual activity or work, like church or AA.
What is all of the sudden a vice it comes so easy and pleasant?
Work and the shadow work that goes with it.
The way I operate generally is my constant and my baseline, comfortable and repellant.
It just took about all of the concentration left in the world to read eighteen pages of a book on Rimbaud. The fuck? I plod forward.
And so an apocryphal battle is unleashed in my head to retard my genius and let a broad kill me and drink death to its dregs while I beat my chest that I am unworthy after recovering a grain of rationality that said 2024 could be my year.
There it is —
————
The will of nerve to duplicity.
Evil in a blanket.
There seems to be nothing separating me from imbecility.
Four options:
Being constructive with others,
Being constructive alone,
Being deconstructive with others,
Being deconstructive alone.
Is the understanding then that death is evil?
The cause of death is birth.
I think I may have modes.
I had sin or indulge mode.
Then I had clean and discipline mode.
Then the idea to incorporate the shadow self into my ideal self came about, through force of embracing my ideal self since the shadow self was threatening to take over.
When I am in the shadow mode then the shadows intentions are priority.
Then like the fairy godmother in Cinderella the shadow eventually fades and I am back to pursuing my ideals.
The fear of being in the shadow is that it will end and the fear of the ideal is that that schmuck could one day take over or ruin my plans.
The ideal self is very outward.
It is concerned with image, connection, goodness.
The shadow self is interested in goals of pleasure, power and riches that would only satisfy the flesh and even a spiritual version of the flesh, the carnal.
Only the ideal self would say something like, as above, so below.
Because it is interested in integrity, virtue, truth and wholeness.
The shadow self embraces half-truths, half-lives, deception and plunder.
**On reflection I suppose the shadow-self would say as above, so below if it had dominion.
Then again, that would be true of the ideal self as well.
Neither would want to count their earnings until the game was through is all that I mean.
Creating power for myself through baseless suffering, while earning plunder through obedience to numbers and squandering any time I could have spent making real connections with people enables me to succeed.
This has to be the plan —
That I lock in for good,
Take note of whatever is bad,
Understanding that evil may prevail
The land of the living is a place.
“So now I see that existence is just a way to use up your life.”
-Rimbaud
Tropic of Cancer is way better than Tropic of Capricorn because with Tropic of Cancer we get a man about town but with Tropic of Capricorn we get a man about the ramblings of his own mind.
We leave a story of what is happening and enter into a story of what on gods green earth has happened.
It’s almost the mark -
The more the author stays on point with what is happening the better classic and the more we get this is what has happened and why is the sequels. Although possibly necessary.
I only have a bit of focus time in a day.
All day today I have been a bit of like, wtf, but it’s still coming out to be a good rest day.
Read 20 pages of Henry Miller with all of my concentration —
It is the only thing I accomplished besides a load of laundry.
January is for soul.
Nothing fucking happens in January.
