Monday, October 17, 2022

Existential crisis III

 Be kind.

Factors.

Stop being poor.

Be stable.

I am being stupid, got to keep it moving.

Why, is it, all petty?

It’s the thing I can’t do

It’s the man I won’t be

It’s the desire I won’t find

The kind of thing I won’t see

The one I won’t meet

The figure I can’t draw

The thought that I can’t think

I know I don’t know

The witch coveted which covered.

Watch those jumps to those conclusions.

A different kind of conclusion.

A fake environment : a fake scenario


The positive side of life. 

The negative side of life.

All character, all fine.

Lower elements of life.

Elements of life.

Higher elements of life

If I am not speaking to her and giving daily reinforcements of my love and commitment then I must speak to myself daily of my love:

Life philosophy/goals/plans:

The Jude Abides

What is a woman needing?

What else is there to do besides?

I am literally just trying to hold shit down.

When there is to much of nothing,

No one should look.

Bravery yes, 

Intentionality please.

Intentionality shuts down the evil machine.

The chick factor is why I blackout.

Go figure.

Intentional asshole:

I would be free falling’.

So who gets the meat and who gets the pepper?

Well shoot give me a call if you would like my help I have no idea what you are into.


Trying to pick my nose

But I can’t pick my nose

Because I already showered

Maybe tomorrow.


I was in the back of a car

Talking to Noah Kohl

After a night at Hotel Frank

And I told him that Ian Curtis died so that we don’t have to.


I have reached that magical and mystical area:

When it is time to do some things I do not want to do.


Seeing that girl smile is a gold mine.

I love you bitches I just can’t afford to tell you.


I don’t have to do a goddamn thing except pay my taxes and die.

Den it’s saying to me, don’t be wise.


I am not even that interested in humans.

I want to see how much space dust I can find.







Not being wise as case study in survival.


& die.


Finally understanding the wall of China was not built in a day.

I still don’t understand how bad life can get.

Forks 🍴 

Lethal




Thursday, October 6, 2022

Film III

 So I don’t know too much about movie producers.

I think this is pretty common.

Like, we all know and have our favorite actors.

Then some of us have our favorite directors.

How about your favorite movie producers?

I thought about it and I could only think of three movie producers.

Chris Nolan produced Superman.

Then there is Harvey Weinstein who I only became aware of after he was canceled.

So that became an interesting dichotomy for me for people I knew who were movie producers without, you know, going on Wikipedia for research. 

Trying to write about film as though it was just me and someone else having a conversation.

So it was either super man or like the depraved Weinstein?

Weinstein said his recipe for success in Hollywood was sex and violence.

He meant for his movies but that seems to go for his personal life too.

Then there was Chris Nolan who produced Superman.

So I was thinking those were two total different extremes and it was bothering me that I didn’t know about movie producing except for Superman and Weinstein.

I thought about it for a month or longer.

Then I remembered Lorne Michaels.

Lorne Michaels is my favorite producer.

He made SNL.

Then he dropped off of it in the 1980s and the show went horrible but then he came back in the 1990s.

He has produced many of the first and the last buddy comedies.

The ones where buddy gets laid and then has to deal or where buddy deals so he can get laid.

Lorne Michaels to me is a standard of Hollywood production.

It should have high quality entertainment but still appeal to a certain sensibility.



I smacked this guy across the face with a bible. I was thirteen and he was fifteen. A couple years later when I was fifteen and he was seventeen he picked me up and body slammed my skull onto concrete. Thoroughly disgusted with each other we began hanging out. Rafting storm drainage creeks, walking across town in sewer tunnels and climbing the highest and most impressive structures we could find. The rest of this story is not about the guy who slammed my skull onto concrete but the kid I was trying to defend when I started the feud.


Sixteen years later we got dropped off in an Uber downtown. In the Uber I checked my bank account and realized that the Uber ride was the only part of the trip I would be able to afford. When we got inside the Magnolia hotel I informed my friend of the news. After rounds of beers, Japanese whiskey, and cigars we headed to the strip club. A black woman sat on his lap and a Latina sat on mine for what seemed a lifetime as we chatted, flirted and teased into the depths of the night.



So ya wake up in da moaning and ya gonna make ya self a cup of coffee right? But today ain’t like de odda deys. Today is a Tuesday and ya don’t really want no coffee be cuz ya already dehydrated. So ya make da coffee anyways and ya get ya breakfast in ya belly and ya head off to work.

Now on de way to work ya buy a pack of smokes. Just like any odda day ya buy a pack of smokes ya see but today ain’t like da odda dayz be cuz today is a Tuesday. Ya don’t really wanna buy a pack of smokes cuz ya already dehydrated but what the hell ya buy em anywayz.

So ya sitting there chewing tobbakey in ya car right?

What do you know? 

Today’s different.

It’s Tuesday.

Ya don’t want to be chewing tobakkey, no, not really, because ya dehydrated, right?

But what de hell?

A little chewing tobbakkey never hurt no body, huh?

So ya at lunch and there is this wild crazy woman who if ya talk to her ya know no matter what some kind of nightmare in da flesh is going to go down and ya don’t really want to talk to her cuz it’s Tuesday and ya dehydrated but what’s really da big deal? So ya make plans to go out for drinks after ya work day.

Ya getting a little low on cash at the bah so ya take out ya credit card.

Not really the thing ya want to do, but what the hell it’s Tuesday and ya already dehydrated so might as well get anodda round for da boys and de crazy broad who just walked into meet ya.



When I saw you in that lingerie I knew I must be crazy

When I saw you on that first day I knew I was going crazy

When I saw you in those shorts by my bed I was crazy

When I saw you on my porch while I was mowing the lawn I was gone

Two times two don’t equal four when you are at my door knocking to get in

Listening to my music then this song writes itself, refrain and what comes next

When I saw you in that lingerie I knew I must be crazy

When I saw you on that first day I knew I was going crazy

When I saw you in those shorts by my bed I was crazy

When I saw you on my porch while I was mowing the lawn I was gone

Three kids and a forth on the way, insurance is paid

Alright, goodnight is all you said and I was still in love looking forward to tomorrow night

When I saw you in that lingerie I knew I must be crazy

When I saw you on that first day I knew I was going crazy

When I saw you in those shorts by my bed I was crazy

When I saw you on my porch while I was mowing the lawn I was gone



Monday, October 3, 2022

Poetry III

 Count Basie was a friend of mine. 

He was known to fly around from town to town.

He made lists of things he liked to do.

Everyone he met he treated them like they were new.


Count Basie was an evil man.


He left no tracks when he ran.


If you knew him then you knew


No one really knew Count Basie through and through.


Lady Basie was a plum.


She was always buying Count Basie rum.


Lady Basie wasn’t lazy


Lady Basie smelled like a lady.


Baby Basie ate tomatoes out of the garden


Tomatoes and potatoes were in the back yard when


A hawk swooped down and saved him from drowning


Baby Basie was always surrounded


In the afternoon once 1000 years ago


There sat a dragon upon a throne


He didn’t have anywhere to go


He didn’t know how to leave his home


This dragon after 1000 years got up the nerve to change his gears


That’s when archaeologists unearthed him


Measured his girth and named him 


Put him storage and forgot him


Tuesday, September 20, 2022

Literature V

 JD Salinger was a pervert. Or at least that is what my great grandfather said. Or that is what someone said that my great grandfather said about JD Salinger. A young woman at my first job when I was fifteen told me that Catcher in the Rye was her favorite book. Years later when I read it it reminded me of the new and exciting life that could be found in America by a hip adolescent going up against the conformist culture of the squares.

Norman Mailer talked about JD Salinger in his collection of writings, Advertisements for Myself (1959). This was the piece that Norman did where he criticized the writing of his contemporaries, something apparently not yet done until he did it. Mailer talked of his major contemporaries spurring me to read James Jones From Here to Eternity (1951) and buy a couple John Updike short story books then added authors like Jack Kerouac, William S Burroughs and JD Salinger as a kind of second string. JD Salinger had his one big hit Catcher in the Rye and the rest of his works are seminal.


Catcher in the Rye (1951) is this kid wandering around New York City and it reads like a teenage version of Home Alone. The boy is just trying to get his kicks and runs into various roadblocks of authority along the way. This novel is more pop conscientious than his other writings. Franny and Zooey (1961) is about a girl not wanting to go to college and her more sensible brother having a conversation with her to convince her to go to college. Nine stories (1953) revolves around a family of child star intellectual prodigies growing up. Raise High the Roof Beam Carpenters and Seymour: an Introduction (1963) is more hot takes on random essential knowledge enabling one to apply thought to the modern world.



Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Chapter IV

 Wife: did you go the pta meeting? (beginning text)

Police officer: yes.

Wife: ok thank you I am going to be late again tonight


Officer: k (end text)


Daughter: jeez I hate those things but I am happy you got to see my art

Officer: yeah same

Daughter: so how was work?

Officer: I don’t want to talk about it

Daughter: ok so what happened?

Officer: dammit I said I don’t —

Daughter: (tear rolls down cheek)

Officer: hey you know the rules no crying

Daughter: (starts to sob)

Officer: (pulls the car over)

What? What? What? Ok. Fuck. I am sorry. I am just really hungry. No. Ok. I. What? What’s going on with you? Something happen to you?

Daughter: no stop. You fucking stop.

Officer: sometimes stuff happens at work I can’t talk about

Daughter: bullshit

Officer: no this one was bad

Daughter: I can tell. What happened?

Officer: for the love of Christ! No. Don’t fucking start again. (Gets out of car)

Daughter: (stays in car balling)

Officer: (takes out cigarettes and smokes three in a row and gets back in car)

Daughter: (composed) ok. I’m sorry. There is just this boy at school and he took my lunch today as a prank.

Officer: so what?

Daughter: well it was the best friend of a boy I like and the boy I like didn’t do anything.

Officer: right. He didn’t do anything. (Pauses)

Daughter: yah and I really wanted him to. Like really wanted him to. And then he fucking..

Officer: wow, language.

Daughter: please. Then he ate some of my lunch with the other boy.

Officer: wow. 

Daughter: I didn’t tell on him or anything because I really do like him.

Officer: why do you like him?

Daughter: because he talks to me.

Officer: that’s it?

Daughter: yah.

Officer: do you still want to talk to him after this?

Daughter: well yeah but then after lunch in our class together he like, didn’t even acknowledge I existed.

Officer: he probably feels like a dork.

Daughter: I even forgave him and told him I did and he walked right past and even bumped my shoulder without apologizing.

Officer: (frowns) (grits teeth) (spits out window)

Daughter: it was when he hit me that I realized I loved him because..

Officer: stop.

Daughter: (looks wide eyed like she is about to break into tears again)

Officer: I mean stop loving him

Daughter: (daughters eyes get even wider like she is going to pop)

Officer: I mean why did him hitting you without apologizing make you realize you love him?

Daughter: because I forgave him right away and just wanted him to love me back.

Officer: wow.

Daughter: what?

Officer: just what you said reminded me of the something bad that happened at work today.

Daughter: oh yeah. What happened at work today.

Officer: (eyes narrow and the wheels grind in his head about a way to not tell his daughter that he threw a woman’s body in the river as a hired hand for the city without her crying about him not opening up to her) it’s just that your mom hasn’t been around much recently and the work load gets really taxing when that happens too much.

Daughter: you have me and plus you said something specific happened today.

Officer: I did?

Daughter: yah and I can tell when you are lying because you are shit at it.

Officer: language. Ok. Fuck. I mean, I’m sorry. Do you still have that night time scuba diving gear we got for cave diving last year?

Daughter: yah of course I do. We never used it.

Officer: do you want to help me fish a dead body out of the river?

Daughter: (eyes wide like they are going to pop) YES!

Officer: ok. Let’s do it.


Epilogue: the daddy daughter date was a success and they pulled the dead carcass from the bottom of the river beneath the bridge. When they pulled her out of the body bag she was in she came to. The woman screamed at the top of her lungs and ran into the forest naked at sprinter speed like a wild animal. The shriek gave the officer and daughter a tingle down both of their spines and goose bumps all over and they never talked about it again. They never talked about it again of course after the daughter made him tell her once about the entire story start to finish no bullshit over cheeseburgers and corn dogs at Sonic.


The way that this is

I would make it more than this

Even if I did 

I wouldn’t have the courage

Or the resources

Or the character 

To make this more than it is

Even this as it is

Is more than I’ve had

And is all I can give

The way that this is


Dad: What the hell do you want me to tell you?

Daughter: The truth.

Dad: The truth is the teachers at the parent teacher conference all said that your reputation has gotten so bad that they think I should not have any contact with you.

Daughter: Why would my behavior have consequences for you?

Dad: Because parents influence their children.

Daughter: Why would you listen to teachers?

Dad: It wasn’t just the teachers. It was the counselor, the principal and apparently the mayor.

Daughter: The mayor?

Dad: The mayor has been warned about my volatile daughter and my influence on her.

Daughter: The mayor of the suburban town or of the metropolitan city?

Dad: I think both.

Daughter: What the fuck?

Dad: Right. 

Daughter: What the fuck?

Dad: Exactly.

Daughter: How do we fight this?

Dad: Nothing to fight. 

Daughter: What did we do?

Dad: We were ourselves. Capital crime.




Friday, June 17, 2022

Journey VI

 


Cowboy Mike chats with Sam the woman. Woman Sam & myself are eating a winner, winner chicken dinner. Each are eating half a chicken and enjoying a blues band at Follow Yer Nose BBQ in Emigrant, MT. Emigrant, MT is in the center of Paradise Valley. One of the most sacred places in America.

Cowboy Mike observes the sea change. For the last four months I had been riding hard and fast with a posse called The BBAR Boys. The BBAR Boys is a title reserved for legend in this part of the country. More about this later. So, Cowboy Mike knew me as one of the boys and now I am eating a winner, winner, chicken dinner with one of the girls. Cowboy Mike and I make eye contact.

Ryan Bolger was my bunk mate at BBAR ranch. Across the hall was cowboy Austin and Cowboy Tanner. Down the hall was Jeffie, the disc golf playing mountain man and down the hall the other way was the women, Sam and some others.

Ryan came from Chicago and is a professional photographer. Ryan and I hit it off when he asked me what my dreams were and I told him that I was not a dreamer. From then on we were fist and glove with the cowboys. Down at the Old Saloon we would shoot Pendleton on the bar, thanks to Cowboy Mike, in the name of The BBAR Boys.

The BBAR Boys is a title reserved for the cowboys of BBAR ranch. An age-old ranch in the mountains of Montana. The show Yellowstone is based in this area. My friend Ryan and I were not cowboys, rather hospitality professionals. Ryan and I received the honorary title of The BBAR Boys because we played as hard as the cowboys we were in tow with.

Back to cowboy Mike and myself making eye contact at Follow Yer’ Nose BBQ in a way that meant, “all good things come to an end” and “see you on the other side cowboy.” Meaning an understanding that I was no longer one of the boys because I was kicking it with a woman. He shook my hand and left to walk around the corner of the building to his business, The Old Saloon.