Day 1 - October 20 - got phone call from Ryan saying that Tanner is setup for the winter but may run into some trouble come spring. We don’t know what kind of trouble he is into but have to turn out for a guy like Tanner. Listening to country music and drinking coffee at 8 pm. Wound up pretty tight. If I plan on heading up to Montana come spring then I will only be winding myself even tighter. Going to have to start focusing on money management, time management, exercise regimen, intellectual pursuit and relationships as well as brass tacks of probation business including AA, intensive treatment. This week I am eligible to get my drivers license back. Going up to save Tanner releases me from trying to pick from one of the four imaginary lusts that I have.
Day 2- October 21 - looking at my life in preparation to save Tanner. Realize it is in total disarray. Unable to pay rent consistently for the last couple years and falling into debt. All for what? Watched a Frontline documentary on Michael Flynn.
Day 3 - October 22 - don’t give a damn about Tanner. Tanner is one of those people that in the city I would go out of my way to mess his shit up. Out in the field though a man will lay down his life to make another guys life a little easier.
Day 4 - October 23 - walked 8 miles at night.
Day 5 - October 24 - nothing to report.
Day 6 - October 25 - walked 8 miles at night.
Day 7 - October 26 - walked 8 miles at day.
October 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, November 1 - the idea of quality and intentionality carries salt with it for the preparation of a trip like this. One is the idea that Tanner is worth saving and with it comes the idea that Ryan is worth saving and finally that I am worth saving. We represent some kind of worldview, value system and code.
November 2 - hard to stay motivated about this trip. Then again it’s hard to stay motivated in general. There is so much inertia towards apathy.
November 3 - not sure if the relationship between me and Ryan will stretch that far. Still a good principle to pursue.
November 9 - the cowardly slickness. That was the idea in my head when Tanner said he knew that me and Ryan would be his friends for life. We would be except for the cowardly slickness.
November 12 - this trip seems out of place but so does everything right now. I really never even make plans. The whole aspect of it being a rescue mission is theatrical. Not losing enthusiasm. Just impressed by the scope of planning a trip.
November 13 - I have perspired to keep my mothers wickedness on a leash my entire life. I need a lifeboat. Trunk club. I am a flake. I am not going to go on this trip.
I need to be a professional poor person in Omaha.
November 14 - I have to Haagen dasz if I want to be hogging dogs
November 15 - feeling a little loopy. Half-marathon scored yesterday. Only thought is to do another today.
November 17 - marathon scored yesterday.
November 20 - what am I going to do next?
November 21 - still hitting these 8 mile a days post marathon
November 28 - I’m on some other shit
Dec 1st - testosterone boost in the middle of the night. Can’t sleep. Got an 18er in last night. Or whatever the wolf is.
Dec 3rd- went and struck hell again and died, resurrected and worked a hockey game. Got another hockey game tonight.
Dec 4th- let’s get this cs Lewis blog worked out
Dec 15- thinking about caring capacity as a concept
December 30 -
went to Texas, did Jack squat, happy about it.
AA meetings and therapy became the theme for the last couple weeks.
Hockey games to round out the year.
January 4 -
Not a damn thing between me and joining the military.
January 6 -
Anniversary of the big bad wolf. Evaluating my life and decisions about the future.
January 14 - way too much nothing
January 19 - life is creeping upon me like a wood chipper this weekend, while having a succubus sit on my face. Credit cards are maxed out. Mom is out of town and I have the dog, it’s ok tho because she gave me twenty bucks after I asked. Work schedule is all day and all night with therapy in the middle.. therapy is this huge don’t do this and aa is this don’t do that and work is this do this and that and my income is like, where? My relationships are the smothering of counseling and self-help and mom and no Dad. Like a tentacled beast while the race is going on. Forced to look at jiggly-puff and the anaconda from the jungle book while the tiger is on my tail and I still don’t have a Pokémon. The positive out of this is that I am becoming very aware of the disparity between what I need and what I have and what I could do to kill myself or someone else and Hitler just jerking off in his bedroom instead of leading Germany into World War II. So all in all, pretty fucking hair ball which is to say mid.
March 8 - trying to produce as much at work while working the most hours possible while jumping through hoops to exist. Left with nothing except my room and my car.
March 15 - smoked a cigar to celebrate finishing hockey season. Smoked another cigar earlier in the week to celebrate the new year. Lots of responsibility working three jobs where I am respected at all of them. The thought comes that I can throw it all away through some reckless, scandalous shit.
March 24 - just want to smoke cigars and win.
March 30 - been through the ringer to get this UPS job. Now they are going to switch my whole scene on me. I still haven’t even been a loader.
April 9 - everything is beautiful and nothing hurts
April 14 - got the time off from work for the wedding.
May 9 - I sure hope this Buck character gets broken in time. Might turn into Pegasus soon.
May 14 - there is an order to me being laid.
-the confrontation between my angelic intention and my sinister motive
May 17 - working a baseball tournament 🏟️
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