Literature XIV

JRR Tolkien 

So this is what I like about the Hobbit : Gandalf shows up in Bag End and is like, hey Bilbo you are an adorable little cunt aren’t you? I’m going to kidnap you and make you my bitch but first my gang of dwarves are going to gang rape your peace of mind until you are rendered senseless. Then Bilbo is like, but Gandalf, I am just a homosexual who smokes tobacco and reads books. Gandalf says, not today faggot you are coming with us. Then in Lord of the Rings Gandalf comes back to Bag End and says to Frodo, hey remember those tales of Bilbo getting his peaceful little life gang raped by a pack of rabid dwarves and then he came back a raving psychopath that doesn’t get along with anyone. Frodo is like yeah, that shit is wild. Gandalf goes, those stories are all true and I am going to groom you into my bitch even harder. Frodo is even more homosexual than Bilbo so he is like, “Gandalf that shit is fire let me gather my most flaming homosexual buddies to join me.” 

Jack Kerouac 

What I like about On the Road is that it is a bunch of yahoos getting their rocks off. 

Hunter S Thompson 

What I like about Hunter S Thompson is he is like, get in faggot—we are going to do meth, crack and heroine until you think that you lived through the 70s. 

Ernest Hemingway 

What I like about Ernest Hemingway is that he makes you feel like a cuck for never being to a bullfight because you live in America and are not a god damn Spaniard. Then he goes on in in a Farewell to Arms and says you are homosexual for not fighting in World War I. Proceeds in the sun also rises to say that you might be alcoholic but you were not an alcoholic in Paris, France so keep drinking loser. Have you even killed a fascist? No, because Cuba is now off limits to Americans and Ernest Hemingway lived there during a revolution and was so respected by the proletariat that his home was not touched. 

William S Burroughs 

What I like about William S Burroughs is he is like, we are not the same you are brainwashed to worship the soft machine and I fuck little brown boys and killed my wife. 

Charles Bukowski 

"I have fucked so many women and none of it matters." which makes me feel better because I can relate, I have jerked off to so many women and I can agree, none of it matters. 

Honorable Mentions 

GK Chesterton and CS Lewis are the only authors I cannot punk like this. GK will pierce the mind while CS will pierce the soul. Also F. Scott Fitzgerald does not have a flattering character but writes very good prose. John Steinbeck writes for actual poor people. Much poorer people than I have ever been especially since the poorest people in America identity with the wealthiest these days so that reading about the depression era is very difficult. Henry Miller creates beautiful ocean reefs that are alive with life in a way that makes one feel left out. William Faulkner is in the South and can’t help but leave racism on the tongue just by reading a word. The sympathy for the unreconstructed South is so tangible. Norman Mailer is a lurid writer but highly moral that makes him almost too good to be true. He reminds me of Bilbo writing about Middle Earth. Just another homosexual who likes to stay at home with his tobacco and books after many adventures. 

The Bottom of the Barrel 

So we are left with Jim Harrison, Thomas McGuane and Cormac McCarthy who are only relatable because of that one summer I had in Montana that made me realize I am a fucking bot. 🤖